this is just pitiful atp

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As good as it is that you share these thoughts, I am afraid people online can't really do anything to be useful. I recommend talking to people that you trust or a therapist. And in most countries there is a suicide prevention hotline you can call. But it's important to know that people online have and often feel no responsibility towards anyone, so I would be  careful with that.

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Your cry for help do not fall on deaf ears, I can hear you